Toddler Discipline Humor

This piece went up on McSweeney’s in July 2015 and it spent several weeks on the “Popular” list on the site. Apparently others are also confused by toddler discipline rules.


Do you have a toddler? Are you confused by all the advice on how to discipline him or her? Here is a set of guidelines collected from various experts and interweb pages to make your life easier.


Your child just threw a shoe at your head. Ignore it. They just want attention. Don’t ignore it. It needs to be addressed. Your toddler deserves respect and to be treated like an adult. Use a calm tone to explain why you don’t enjoy having Crocs in your face. Your toddler is not an adult and doesn’t understand complex sentences. Talk like a cave woman: “No Croc in face.” A calm tone doesn’t convey how serious you are, so use a stern but polite Mom voice: “PLEASE, NO CROCS IN MY FACE!”


Only offer your toddler what you eat for dinner. Don’t be a short order cook. When they refuse and claim they are hungry an hour later say, “You had a chance to eat that bone marrow and charred octopus at dinner time and now you are hungry. This is your natural consequence.” Be a short order cook. Continue reading.

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